7/21/2010
Get Ready to Fail SEO, Scene 3
Scene 3: Analytics and Search Engine Ossification
Where's the donuts?
KRAMER: How’s the mission statement coming along, Agnes?
DELINE: Done! I hope we have time to review it today since this is our last meeting.
STARKE: Could I have your attention? Grigsby has a project recap. Any questions before I turn it over to him?
KRAMER: Where’s the donuts?
STARKE: Fishbein – get donuts! Proceed, Grigsby.
GRIGSBY: Six months ago we optimized our website for the search term FORKS. (scowls) We used a combination of on-site and off-site techniqes including a link building campaign based on article submissions and -
DELINE: That link biting thing still doesn’t sound right to me.
GRIGSBY: It’s link building, not link biting. And it happened to be the most important part of the project.
KRAMER: What makes you such an expert?
GRIGSBY: Six years as SEO director for a Fortune 500 forklift manufacturer.
KRAMER. Oh.
STARKE: Let’s hear the results. I’m sure we’re all eager to know how we did.
GRIGSBY: Here are results for our website optimized for FORKS. Over the last six months we received the following. Fifty-seven inquiries for silverware. Forty-four inquires for disposable cutlery. Thirty-seven inquiries for tuning forks. Twenty-one inquiries for pitchforks, all from Nebraska strangely enough. Thirteen requests for directions to the Grand Forks, North Dakota, airport. Three inquiries on how to break a knight fork in chess, and one inquiry for forklifts.
(long silence)
DELINE: Not bad.
STARKE: It’s horrible!
KRAMER: I told you search monopolization couldn’t beat my sales team!
GRIGSBY: That’s only because we used the wrong search term!
(long silence)
STARKE: Well … did we sell anything?
GRIBSBY: Surprisingly, yes. Kramer sold a guy a case of plastic forks from the cafeteria.
STARKE: Profit?
GRIGSBY: (thumbs through paperwork) Seven dollars and … thirty-two cents. We have a ways to go to reach break even.
STARKE: O.K., thank you, Charlie and the rest of the team. I know we all worked hard on this, but my recommendation to corporate will be to scrap SEO and hire more sales reps.
KRAMER: Yes!
GRIGSBY: Idiots.
STARKE: I think that covers it. We’re adjourned.
FISHBEIN: Here’s the donuts!
DELINE: Stan, can I distibute the mission statement now?
THE END
10 Responses to Get Ready to Fail SEO, Scene 3
What a hilarious tale, Brad. You had me chuckling all the way through. Sadly, though, I suppose your story isn’t really very far from the truth: A company attempts a poorly implemented SEO campaign — carried out by individuals who know nothing at all about the animal — and then scraps SEO altogether when its dismal plan fails. Sounds as if the company needed the help of a real SEO expert. (At the very least, upper management needed to give Grigsby more authority over the implementation, instead of letting the SEO-ignorant majority rule.)
Though highly exaggerated (which is one reason it’s so effective), this story illustrates just how a well-intentioned attempt at SEO implementation can go so wrong. Great SEO fairy tale with a vital message!
Jeanne, Glad you found this little drama helpful. Ironically, they did succeed in a way. There were quite a few inquiries, which means they were doing something right. It must have been the Grigsby factor.
I suppose one might look at that as success in a strange sort of way. I certainly agree that any success they did enjoy was definitely due to “the Grigsby factor.”
Just think how much more successful they would have been if they’d used the right keywords.
LMAO at them selling the plastic cutlery from the canteen Brad. This just shows how careful you have to be about picking the right keywords for your campaign. I made the mistake of using the terms Barbie doll in one of my old posts.
It was supposed to be one of those fun posts that wasn’t optimized for anything. And it contained a couple of words that weren’t suitable for kids to be reading but unfortunately, it attracted a lot of little girls who wanted to know how to look like Barbie. I felt v guilty – you have to be so careful what you write.
Cath, That Barbie story sounds familiar – did you ever blog about it? It’s an easy trap to fall into – we get focused on the blog post at hand and who’s got time to consider the big picture?
ROFL! I suppose if all else fails just sell them stuff from the cafeteria! This was hilarious Brad! You have to bring these dunderheads back. It would be fun to watch them tackle social media!
Karen, What a marvelous idea. Thank you for the inspiration. At 5 AM this morning I thought of a way to introduce these folks to social media.
Perhaps they should go into the business manufacturing plastic forks instead.
Oh well, the doghnuts arrived in the end. At least the story finished on a happy note.
Andrew, Inside sources tell me the company is indeed exploring the possibility of entering the plastic forks market.
Brad, this series is hilarious! Loved every bit of it and I agree with Cath, the part about the plastic forks from the cafeteria was brilliant!